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The question “why are some people mean?” may cross your mind when you meet someone for the first time. Or maybe it’s someone you have known for years.
What are these people like? They never smile. Never ask you how you are. And, never laugh at any of your jokes. Ouch. I know, that last one was a toughie.
Then there are those, who go out of their way to hurt you. They throw mean comments about your clothes, how you look, or what you say. A toughie, once again.
Why can’t these people be kind, considerate, or simply just polite? Why can’t Lucy just let Charlie Brown kick that football instead of taking it away? What about being a good friend?
Last week I went to my neighbourhood butcher shop. I was looking to purchase a brisket but was in need of some assistance. I know there are hundreds of recipes out there, but I wanted to consult with the butcher and discuss options.
This is how the conversation went.
And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, because this is not the first time I tried to “crack open” this butcher’s helpful part of her soul.
“Hi, can you please help me? I would like to purchase a brisket and I’m not sure which one to buy.. they all look the same.”
“__________”
The above quote meant that she didn’t look up from what she was doing. She remained standing behind a counter, looking down. I also should mention that nobody was in the store. I prompt once again.
“Hello…”
“Yes?” She asked looking like I just took away her dinner.
I smiled and politely asked “Can you please help me?
“With what?
“The briskets.”
“Well, they’re right there.” The butcher pointed to the freezer behind me.
“Yeah, I know, but I need some help.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know what to buy.”
The butcher looked at me as if I not only took her dinner, but I began to eat it too. She nodded her head and closes her eyes. She did not leave her spot behind the counter. As I mentioned earlier, nobody was in the store.
At this point, I began to lose my cool. I took a deep breath to calm down. Because of my past experience with this lady, I knew what I was dealing with, which was someone who does not want to help a customer who wants to give her money for her product. This did not make any sense to me. At all. But I wanted to get through to her.
I decided to tell it to her straight. But gently. I did not raise my voice.
“I am here today to give you money for your product. Please help me.”
For some miraculous reason, that line worked. It seemed as if a lightbulb went off in her head and she was given a heart, just like the Tin Man in The Wizard of OZ.
Suddenly, she walked towards me and not only gave me a brisket but shared her family recipe AND WROTE IT DOWN FOR ME when I picked it up the next day.
Could I place a bow on this story, or what?
Why did the butcher not want to help me in the first place? Is there a reason why your classmates continuously bother you about the way you wear your pants and why can’t they stop bugging you about it? Why are some people just so mean?
“It has nothing to do with you.” Explains Sari Shaicovitch, MEd, RSW, CBT Counsellor. When people go out of their way to be mean, or even to bully someone, their motivation, whether they realize it on a conscious level or not, is often to make themselves feel better. They may be going through a range of challenges behind the scenes, or have had a difficult history where perhaps their emotional needs were not met. So when they are inflicting hurt, it is often their way of dealing with their own pain.
Over time, most adults learn to recognize this behaviour and are able to divorce themselves from toxic people that are in their lives. Unfortunately, when someone younger is exposed to this kind of behaviour, it becomes a little more complicated. Explaining the reason “It’s not you – it’s them” is a hard concept for younger minds to understand. Especially when they are already feeling so vulnerable.
When this happens to your child, it is imperative to reassure them that the abuse that they are receiving has nothing to do with them. You need to repeat this reason again and yet again, and encourage them to walk away from these types of people. With consistent support and constant reassurance, it is hoped that the message will eventually sink in. And slowly, over time, they too will realize that it is not them but rather the bully himself/herself who needs the help.
Then there are times when there can be a much more serious clinical reason why people may harm others. According to Psychologist Dr. Michelle Persyko, a lack of empathy or problems connecting with others emotionally may be factors that can contribute as well.
Someone who gets pleasure from hurting or humiliating others is a sadist. Sadism could be rooted in a total lack of awareness or a fear of one’s own vulnerability. Often a history of abuse is in their past.
Psychopaths also get pleasure from harming others. But in addition, Psychopaths want things. If harming others helps them get what they want, so be it. They don’t feel remorse, fear, or empathy the way others do.
The next time you hear a hurtful comment, or you are ignored for no reason, take a step back. Breathe. And say to yourself: It’s not about me.
And say it again.
I’m so grateful to be able to have the opportunity to write what I’m passionate about and what I think will serve others. If you would like me to write about you or for your own company, please be in touch.